It feels so strange to have a mind sometimes. It it possible to exist entirely in it, needing very little in the way of a correlation between reality and our perception. I am working on being less in my mind, and more in the present. That basically means I am working on being mindful, and instead of rushing to assess every minute experience I have–to push it through the meatgrinder of my brain, evaluate it, evaluate myself, usually finding myself lacking in some way–I am trying to let go of all of that. It’s really hard. Like, really, fucking hard. I am also trying to figure out why it’s so hard for me to just do things, why I would rather worry over them, turning them over and over in my mind, like a tooth that will eventually come out that you wiggle-check with your tongue every couple of minutes. The oral metaphor is apt because it is basically all cud chewing, this thinking instead of doing, thinking instead of being present. It’s all racing forward in the future and looking back in the past. One small thing I have discovered, when I am feeling overwhelmed by the hamster on its wheel in my head is to ask myself, “what do I need, right now?” The answer is usually nothing. Eventually I am hoping to be able to work up to, “what do I want right now” and be able to answer that with some kind of certainty. Wonders will never cease if that happens.
