1. Going to bed way earlier than I thought I had to. I used to go to bed around midnight or 1 and then not wake up until 9 or 10. Now I am going to bed at 10:30 or 11 and waking up around 8. If you do the math there, you’ll notice this is because

2. I need 9 full hours of sleep on regular basis. Here I was thinking that I could do 6-8 and my dragginess in the morning was winter depression/laziness. It is actually because I need around 9 hours of sleep apparently.

3. I also take an hour or so to get ready for bed. Now, I try to start getting ready for bed around 10, which means I have plenty of time to brush my teeth and wash my face (and even moisturize) and put my clothes in the laundry and then relax in bed reading for a while before I drift off calmly. Contrast this to staying up until crashing, being too exhausted to do any of the above and then waking up with a gross mouth and to face a clothing-strewn room. No wonder I didn’t want to get out of bed.

So, while it hasn’t been happening like this everyday, I have been welcoming mornings more and more each day. I’m sure it also has something to do with the sunlight that is streaming in my room earlier everyday (hello spring! i want you to visit so badly!). This morning I even woke up at 7 after going to bed at midnight (I think getting enough sleep generally means that I can get less sleep occasionally) and finishing the setup of my meditation corner in my room before going to the gym for an awesome round of Nia. I then came home and relaxed, did some laundry, watched an episode of veronica mars, and then headed into work where I am now, feeling spunky and ready to take on the day of staff meetings and serving evening.

I even was able to deal with a phone call with my father (about his favorite topic these days: How His Financial Troubles Are So Bad That He Is Going To Have To Sell The House And Live In A Van By The River*) without crying, which is possibly a first.

Wait. Let me repeat that for myself. This might be the first that I responded to my father’s update on his own impending doom (which is both very real and near constant) without tears and hours of recovery. So while I was feeling very overwhelmed with the latest information, I was able to respond to him in a loving, detached way. And though I haven’t completely processed it entirely, I am feeling better having written this as well. Well enough to clean my office, make a big ole honkin list of everything I will get done this week (it will be epic!)

*I wish I was kidding

But the little things kept piling up, and then yesterday we had a difficult conversation about some of those things and it became apparent to me, in the course of dealing with the fall-out throughout the rest of the day (this involved several conversations with trusted advisers), that my instincts were not off. That this person is actually, in addition to being lovely, might possibly be incapable of thinking of others who are close to them in a meaningful way. Dealing with people like this happens to be wheelhouse in many ways, so it makes sense. So I’m trying to figure out how to deal with all of this in a detached and loving way, in a fair way. One of the pieces of advice I got was accepting it without taking blame that I didn’t deserve (also my wheelhouse with these people, because that’s part of the codependent deal you sign up for with them). Just sitting with the knowledge that maybe I wasn’t wrong. That it wasn’t my fault. That it was about a lot of things for me (that I am attracted to these kinds of people for various reasons), but that this particular thing that I was accused of is actually true not about me. The advice was just to sit with that, try it on, see how it feels. My typical reaction when someone criticizes me is to a)feel defensive and b)assume they’re right and c)rush to change/make it right. Which would be the right thing to do if the criticism was valid. But I’m not sure it is. So I am sitting with the idea that I am okay as I am. Which is pretty radical for me. Which means Danielle LaPorte’s post is very timely indeed.

The only downside to the whole weekend was that I had planned on seeing Iron and Wine, which sadly got canceled. But even that turned out okay, because it meant I had asked off from work that night, so I had a whole work-free weekend to spend making food, sledding, cozying up by the fire, and doing cleaning/decluttering. I even had two of my friends staying here (I love having guests!) and we had an awesome time making vegan food (with mixed results– but that’s how cooking goes, sometimes recipes work, sometimes they don’t, and the more you try them the better you get at tweaking them mid-process).

We went sledding down an amazing hill on Saturday night. I think I actually got whiplash– but it was so much fun. It was on a golf course that’s in a public park near my house and we were the only  ones there, and it had stopped snowing by this point so the sky was clear and it was just five of us trudging through fresh snow (what a workout!) and then flying down 50 yards of hill, landing in a heap on the bottom, snow in your face and limbs akimbo.  We even used an iPhone app that helps you find constellations. The only one I can ever get with any certainty is Orion, so that was really cool.

And then yesterday, I was inspired to clean and declutter our living room, which I did from top to bottom. It looks really amazing if I do say so myself. So, here’s the tally from the weekend:

Sledding: Twice (one on the street outside my house, once on the hill in the park)

Vegan Meals: Lasagna, Chili, BLTs, sausage gravy, cinnamon rolls

Rooms Cleaned/Decluttered: Two (bedroom and living room)

Time to start the week!

Okay, so to speak plainly, I have been exhausted, anxious, and definitely not centered in what Rao calls “calm being.” Rao says that there are two ways of approaching life, from a standpoint of “frantic doing” or from one of “calm being.” I had a nice little calm being thing going on at the beginning of the month, which devolved into frantic doing at the end.

 Why? A couple reasons, some beyond my control, some well within it. One of them was that one of my jobs was experiencing a particularly busy week and I worked about 40 extra hours last week (in addition to my regular 40).  I am still a little shell-shocked from that insanity. Another was that I overscheduled myself–I started two classes (swimming and Italian), went out more than I usually do (concerts, dinner, going out, etc), and had a spate of meetings. Add to this one of my ongoing projects experienced a little bump with the other two people I work on it with. Let’s just say one of these people is a frantic do-er and resents being held back by any attempts to remain calmly being.

This all lead up to a teensy breakdown in situation normal this past Monday, in meditation class. I was sitting there, grasping at trying to be centered and calm and mindful and all I could do was focus on how not any of those things I was. I was thinking about everything–work, my frantic-doing partner, what I would write about the experience, how desperately I want to be calm (ha)–and the harder I tried to focus on my breath and just being in the moment, the more freaked out I became. I don’t think it was a panic attack per se, but it was very stressful and I definitely had tears in my eyes at one point, and had to adjust my seated position to a child’s pose several times throughout the hour-long session.  I tried focusing on what our teacher was saying, I tried focusing on my breath, on what I was grateful for…the harder I tried the more I struggled. I even knew that my grasping was making it worse, but I didn’t know how to make it better. I was flailing. It reminded me of one of my favorite essays, by Anne Lamott, “The Muddling Glory of God,” where she writes,

“That’s me, trying to make any progress at all with family, in work, relationships, self image: scootch, scootch, stall; scootch, stall, catastrophic reversal; bog, bog, scootch. I wish grace and healing were more abacadabra kinds of things; also, that delicate silver bells would ring to announce grace’s arrival. But no, it’s clog and slog and scootch, on the floor, in silence, in the dark.”

She goes on to suppose that if you were snatched out of the mess, you’d miss the lesson. She’s so wise that Annie Lamott. I hope to be a tenth of that wise some day.

Anyways, the lessons:

I need huge swaths of time to myself, alone, to do nothing. This doesn’t make me lazy, or derelict. It’s what I need for my calm being. I know this after a spending a week frantically doing (in a high stress kind of environment no less) and all I have to show for it is mornings where I wake up as if on top of a speeding train, with no idea as to how I got there. Except the train is my thoughts. I literally wake up midthought-stream, as if it’s been going on all night while I sleep and I just tuned back in now that I’m awake (which is basically true).

I also had a small insight during meditation, which was I really want to write, and in order to do that, I am going to have to give up a lot of frantic doing to make space for it in my life. And that it’s not going to be easy because we live in a world of frantic doing. Calm being is not widely venerated.  But it’s what I want, and that’s something I so rarely get messages from myself on, so I need to sit up and pay attention!

Scootch, scootch.

I had a really amazing Sunday this week. I work on a hotline for sexual and domestic violence so I *had* to be tethered to one place for all of Sunday morning, between 6:30 am and 1 pm. I used it as an opportunity to read Martha Beck’s Steering by Starlight, which I received in the mail from Lianne Raymond as a giveway on her site*. Wow. Where have you been all my life, this book? It is, to date, the self-help book that resonates the most with my weird mix of beliefs, practical and mystical. If you believe in magic, the real kind, read this book. I read it all once, and I’m going to go back and read it again and do the actual exercises, but I’ve already noticed a change.

Story time. After reading SBS, I was inspired to put together an inspiration board for what I want my uncluttered room to look like. And then bam, within 24 hours I got two of the things on my collage, which I’ve been eyeing forever, for waaaaay less than they sell for. I have wanted one of these bookshelves for like, ever, but I haven’t been able to justify the pricetag. I included a photo from a west elm catalogue of their knockoff on my inspiration collage and then the next day I’m walking to work, and I walk past a store I love and they have two of them (the DWR Sapien ones, not even the cheaper west elm/cb2 ones!) out front for sale! I raced into the store and pulled out my wallet, only to find they were sold already. Instead of being really bummed though, I just thought, “Hm, oh well. It will work out.” Usually I would be really disappointed, but for whatever reason, I was calmly accepting. Then I got home from work that night and found an email from my friend who works at said store, saying, “Oh after you left, we found another one, call us tomorrow if you want it.” Et voila, it was mine for $50. I also got a rug that I’ve been coveting for months now, and thanks to a coupon I found when clearing out my paper clutter it was also a lot less than I was looking to pay for it. I will post photos of both my room and my inspiration board when I get a chance.

Just so it doesn’t seem like the magic is solely related to me buying stuff, I have had a slew of good news from friends. Jobs gotten, raises offered, insanely difficult exams passed, great ideas happening–it’s been really cool to see. I don’t know what’s going on because Mercury is still in retrograde, but everything is happening for people I love, which means its happening for me, too, because one of my greatest joys is seeing people I love get what they need.

I have been really inspired to sign up for both Italian lessons (in anticipation of my trip this year) and swimming lessons (to bone up on my stroke technique). I’m trying to follow Beck’s simple but fantastic advice to basically follow whatever feels like is opening you up. So if something makes you feel closed, move away from it, and if something makes you feel open, go for it. I’m not explaining it really well, but so far it’s working. My uncluttering is moving right along, I’m experimenting with all sorts of fun new vegan food (burdock root, who’s ever heard of that?), I’m getting better at being mindful, and just better at listening to my inner “stargazer” in general.  I feel…more open.

The next thing I plan on doing is paying closer attention to my dreams.

*So obviously this does not fit in with my resolution to read less self help, but I don’t even care because it’s really that good.

For example, one day I chose to eat lunch. To only eat lunch, actually. Not read a book or a newspaper or a magazine, not check my email, surf the internet, watch tv, call a friend back, do some work, make a to do list–all of which I usually do during lunch, most of the time several at once–just eat, as mindfully as possible. I tried to focus on the texture and tastes of my food: the creamy coconut of the squash soup, the slippery tang at the end of my sesame noodles. I did well…for ten minutes. Until a close friend called, one with whom I’m constantly playing phone tag, and I had to answer. And then that reminded me that I had to call another very close friend before her job interview to wish her luck. (Okay, I didn’t have to do either of these things, but letting people I love know that I love them is a happy priority for me.)

So on it goes. Whenever I devote 15 minutes to being mindful, whether it’s during driving, or eating, or meditating, something else calls me away, and down the rabbit-hole I go. Which brings me to my first big semi-realization of this little experiment: I have constructed my life such that it is basically impossible for me to focus on one thing at a time*. I have clutter issues that extend way beyond my stuff (and if I only had physical clutter issues, that would be problem enough). Basically, I have no idea what I want out of life in many respects. Surely some of this bewilderment has to do with my (subconscious yet intentional) cluttering of my life with so many things, people, events, and to do list items that I can’t even stop and think about. More on the cosmic self-esteem tie-ins later.

Okay, so what to do, what to do? I think this realization has propelled me close to my breaking point in terms of stuff. I think I am finally understanding, in a visceral, bone-deep, way how deeply flawed any search for focus or direction when I am drowning in a sea of other people’s voices (I mostly mean in the form of the media I am constantly saturating myself with, but also in the way that I tend to be very other-oriented.)

To read about how multi-tasking is the devil, as many have pointed out, and to realize it in this “oh look at how crazy I have made my life” way are two very different things. I am trying my hardest to note in a mindful way my thoughts on all of this, instead of castigating myself over my inability to focus and then giving up.

*To perfectly illustrate this point, while writing this, I am listening to Arcade Fire’s “Rebellion,” which suggests that “sleeping is giving in” so exuberantly that one has to sing along. This is my wheelhouse, people.

1. Follow Gwen Bell’s Mindfulism Practice Project. 15 minutes of mindfulness everyday.

2. Ease into/continue to flirt with my vegan transition. Aided a great deal by Veganomicon, The Kind Diet, and Moosewood Restaurant New Classics.

3. Clear the decks– declutter physical stuff, to-do list stuff, and mental/emotional stuff–to make room for new, happier, joyful stuff. This is the hardest one by far, and will require the most focus. But I am going to map out a plan sometime tomorrow that involves a massive to do list for the entire month for the tangible things, and I am thinking the daily 15 minutes of mindfulness will help with the mental/emotional stuff.

It’s funny, I’ve always had a hard time with this time of year, the post-holiday -get-yer-shit-togther-new-year-slump time of year, but reading about everyone’s plans for a beautiful new year/decade really inspires me!

Isn’t this cloth letterpress calendar awesome? You can buy one here at 1canoe2, a really unique letterpress shop on Etsy.

I tried to be mindful of transition points today–doorways, thresholds, getting in and out of cars, leaving and returning to the house. It was interesting because the first thoughts I noticed were my feelings about doorways as boundaries, and how doors provide necessary boundaries for us; you can leave them open or you can leave them closed and both generally convey pretty clear messages– “come in” or “stay out.”

I’ve been thinking a lot in the past couple of days about boundaries…I had an experience where I felt like someone didn’t really respect my boundaries, or trust my knowledge of them, and it made me realize how important they are to me. And how I consider boundary-making and -tending to be a valuable skill to have. Annndd how I try not to feel bad about respecting my own boundaries, even if it makes me look like a bitch. I don’t want to be rigid with my judgments of people, but I do want to recognize that when people do things that are in clear violation of my boundaries and expectations and requirements, it’s okay to shut the door on them, figuratively.  And that it’s okay to open the door to people who are respectful of boundaries and thresholds and know how to knock and ask if they can come in (figuratively speaking, although literally is nice, too).

One of my favorite quotes is from Maya Angelou,

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

I have good instincts, generally, about the emotional vampires you can run across in life (you know the ones who can suck you dry of all positive energy?) and I’m pretty good about not inviting them in. Because you have to invite them in, in order for them to do you harm. Better just to leave them outside, where they can take care of their stuff on their own, as is required in the grand scheme of things anyways.  So, I have been thinking about believing people when they show you who they are, and then not inviting them back in to put mud all over your carpet/spirit.

My other thought was about how thresholds and transition points offer you a chance to change. You can step through the door, or walk down the stairs, and decide to be different. Not a different person, necessarily, but have a different attitude or approach or mindset. I haven’t figured out how to reconcile this belief I have in letting people show you who they are, and also that we can all change, but I am working on it.